Lessons for the Uninitiated

I admit that I was unschooled and naive when I entered Babies R Us.  Not so upon exiting.  I was 6 months pregnant and, with a list of practical essentials, about to register for my upcoming baby shower.  I was your typical knocked-up idealist with dream-fuzzed images of peacefully tending to my cooing baby dressed in all white (and myself of course dressed in a fetching size 4 number just weeks after delivering my wee one).

  The Parent Coordination Specialist placed the barcode gun in my hand, instructed me to point and shoot at any and all products in my path, and my baby want list would soon become reality. 

I am ashamed to admit that on my list of immediate needs was a crib.  This certainly underscores the aforementioned naivete.  Babies don't sleep in cribs in this day and age!  After much-needed education provided by informative packaging, I instead chose a 4-in-1 orthopedic sleep cocoon with adjustable lumbar support.  I apparently just didn't appreciate the complexity of neonatal spines!  And so it went...I learned that baby bathtubs require inflatable dreamscape pillows, clothing should be 100% organic but imbedded with flame-retardants, and playpens of my youth have morphed into 60 pound "portable" Pack-n-Play's complete with a 28-page owner's manual and 46 separate interlocking parts which all look alike but most definitely are not.  I still can't bear to discuss the car seat aisle. 

Armed with my newfound knowledge and feeling much more confident in my ability to parent, I staggered out of Babies R Us with my complimentary gift of a phthalate- and BPA-free ergonimically designed made-from-recycled-plastics baby bottle.  Little did I know that I had just been Graco'd.  This concept needed time to creep into my consciousness.  It dawned on me that I had indeed been had at the time that I converted our Harry Potter space beneath the stairs into a holding cell for all of our baby-rearing necessities.  Box after box of Graco-made products lined the walls, each declaring in neon letters that your child will be developmentally delayed  if you don't purchase the Lights n Bubbles Musical Extravaganza for your 0-3 month old infant.   Ha!  I showed Graco; I returned the 4-in-1 sleep cocoon and Izzy now sleeps soundly in the surprisingly sturdy box that previously housed the Musical Extravaganza.  Her lumbar alignment seems just fine...